Does Your Marriage Need a Heart Transplant?

The prophet Ezekiel made a remarkable promise regarding the transforming love of God, “I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.”Regardless of how troubled your marriage may have been up to now, God can take your heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh in your relationship.

It begins with trusting the heart of God, who has revealed himself in Jesus Christ and Christ’s finished work on the Cross. There, bearing our sins, Jesus opened a source of love that can literally transform our lives. If your heart is stone cold, ask God to do a heart transplant — to replace it with one soft and tender toward your spouse once again.

Remember, marriage is for better, for worse, and for keeps.

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 11:19

A Pledge to Do for a Lifetime

(Editor’s Note: Last week 700 Club host Pat Robertson made controversial statements regarding divorce when a spouse has Alzheimer’s disease. I was reminded of two articles MMCW ran a number of years ago sharing the precious testimonies of two families and the commitment of one spouse to care for the other. Today we are re-running Stephanie Little’s A Pledge to Do from our archives.)

Dictionary.com lists several definitions for the word commitment. The one that stands out to me the most is “a pledge to do.”

Marriage is a commitment, a pledge to do for lifetime.

Jesus says of marriage in the book of Matthew, “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

I’ve seen several examples of lifetime commitment in our church. Almost every Sunday, we recognize at least one couple who has been married for 50 years or more! Our worship leader calls out their names and their anniversary picture is put up on the huge screens at the front of the church.

I love to look at the screen and see the beautiful faces that have somehow over the years grown to look alike, silvery gray hair and soft wrinkled skin. I imagine all the things those couples have seen and experienced together: happiness, sadness, joy, and hardship. I often wonder what their secret is.

One Sunday, instead of the usual anniversary picture on the screen, there was a special video about one godly couple. The video opened with an elderly man getting up while it was still dark outside, getting dressed in a coat and tie, and then walking to catch a bus to travel to the nursing home where his wife was a resident.

Once inside, he made his way to her room where he waited patiently beside her bed for her to wake up. The sweet husband spent all day caring for the needs of his aging wife. As a nurse walked the wife through the hallway, there he was, walking behind her, arms outstretched and ready should she begin to fall. He helped her eat and dress and sat by her bed as she slept. In the evening, when his wife was tucked safely in bed, the husband boarded the bus, went home to his own bed, simply to wake up and do the whole routine again the next day.

As I watched the video, tears streamed down my face.

I kept thinking, “Could my husband love me like that? Is his commitment to me that strong?”

Then, I heard it, the still small voice of the Lord, turning my questions to myself.

“Could I love my husband like this man loved his wife? Is my commitment to him that strong?”

My mind immediately flies back to that warm summer evening when I stood at an altar, facing the man of my dreams and made the biggest commitment of my life, my “pledge to do.”

That is what I promised, to do whatever it takes to have (as the other half of myself), to hold (up and onto), for richer or poorer (monetarily and emotionally), in sickness and in health (always praying for his health), til death do us part. I made a pledge, a promise to do for my husband whatever God calls me to do for him for as long as God allows me to do it.

This is a commitment, a lifetime of doing for one another. This is marriage.

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” ~ Barnett Brickner

Stephanie Little

Setting Boundaries with an Angry Spouse

Question:  What should I do?  I want a peaceful home, but there’s “anger fireworks” from my spouse, when I least expect it.

Part One of the Answer: Never underestimate the power of one softened heart to influence the other heart. (Check out I Want a Peaceful Home)

Part Two of the Answer: Soften your own heart, regardless, whether your spouse does or doesn’t. (Check out Softening Hearts in an Angry Marriage.)

Part Three: Putting boundaries up for an angry spouse.

Ephesians 4:22-32:  “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Ephesians 5:1-2 “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

There is truth to the saying that “we are treated as we allow people to treat us.”

We find that usually angry spouses have some people that they are not angry with.  It might be a brother, an employee, a friend, or a neighbor that they are able to carry on a conversation with, laugh with, and even resolve issues with.  But, when it comes to you, when it comes to the slightest issue when you least expect it, your angry spouse lashes out in anger or goes into long anger episodes.  But the fact that they are able to get along with a few people, perhaps shows that they have potential.

The truth is, it’s impossible to put boundaries up to restrain an angry spouse. Instead, what we are able to do, is to set up our own boundary lines, which helps to protect us from an over-the-top angry spouse.  Yes, we must pray that God will change their heart, but we can only allow God to change our own heart; we can’t force our angry spouse to change.  The bottom line is that we can’t change our angry spouse or make them less angry, but we can set up lines which limit the amount of time that we are with them, when they are in an episode.  We have a great example in our Lord, Jesus Christ.  He didn’t give us the commands in the Bible to make us follow them.  God established and gave us His Word.  He allows people to be as they are, but He draws lines when they break His Word, any part of it, including the Ten Commandments. It’s as if He says: “You can be that way if you choose but if you do, you cannot dwell with Me, in My house.” God limits His exposure to evil people who won’t repent and so should we.

God’s Holy Word says we are to draw lines/separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways, and so we should.  The point is not that we don’t love the angry spouse.  Drawing the line protects our love, because we are drawing a line between love and what demolishes love.

It may get worse, before it gets better.  You usually have to go through conflict to achieve community.  If setting boundaries is new to you, expect a reaction and expect to be tested. Your angry spouse will find this side of you unfamiliar and may provoke you further or choose not to take you seriously. Make your statements again and follow through. Remember, truth is truth, even if it doesn’t seem like it in your house.

Here are guidelines for establishing boundaries with an angry spouse:

1)  Realize good boundaries make for better relationships, not poorer ones (a lack of proper boundaries will ultimately cause relationships to weaken or fail).

2)  Boundaries are the recognition that all relationships require mutual respect to flourish (even God requires our respect in order to be in relationship with us).

3)  Boundaries are the dividing line between my legitimate rights and responsibilities and your legitimate rights and responsibilities.

4)  The place to begin in establishing boundaries is in your own life, including your marriage – determine what are your own legitimate rights and responsibilities and what are not.

5)  Then clearly and calmly communicate your boundaries to your angry spouse. Make your plan with your pastor or a Biblical counselor.

6)  Once you decide you will not allow your angry spouse to cross your boundaries — and refuse to allow them to do so each and every time – ultimately the angry spouse will (usually) respect your boundaries.

7)  Remember boundaries are not a selfish way of life, they are an act of love that builds and preserves godly and healthy relationships.

Join a group like Celebrate Recovery, which usually offers a specialized group for spouses (dealing with an addictive spouse and anger qualifies as an addiction).

Resources:

There are several resources from Caring for the Heart Ministries by John Regier.

A good book on the subject by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend is:

Boundaries in Marriage

Softening Hearts in an Angry Marriage

Question:  What should I do?  I want a peaceful home, but there’s “anger fireworks,” from my spouse, when I lest expect it.

Part One of the Answer:  Never underestimate the power of one softened heart to influence the other heart. (Check out the post, I Want a Peaceful Home.)

Part Two of the answer:
Soften your own heart, regardless, if your spouse does or doesn’t.

You (the non-angry spouse) need a soft heart yourself and if you don’t have it, you need to get one for God, others, and yourself.  Softening our hearts can sometimes involve a difficult and painful process. Let’s look at the first step in that direction.

1.  Softening my heart begins when I allow God to show me the true condition of my heart.

We just assume the needed changes should start with our spouse. It’s natural for you to think the other person is the main problem, and maybe they are.

But, the softening process has to begin somewhere, and the only person that you can allow God to change is you.  “Who can say, `I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin’?” (Proverbs 20:9)

2.  I ask God to show me the specific emotional pain and sin issue(s) in my heart.

A hard heart is caused by two primary factors:  emotional pain and sinful choices. If we focus on heart pain only, it will encourage us to look at our life entirely through the grid of past emotionally damaging or traumatic life experiences.

Yet, even if we are able to successfully address all our past emotional wounds, will we find lasting peace in our lives? Not if we fail to appreciate, at the same time, the spiritual dimensions of a hard heart. Emotional pain heart blockage is compounded by our sinful choices and prideful attitudes. Pursuing heart healing on a purely horizontal level, without addressing the vertical nature of our heart issues, is a serious mistake.

On the other hand many well-intentioned Christian leaders encourage us to view our heart problems exclusively through the grid of past sins and moral failures. We are hurting, they will counsel, because we have not dealt as thoroughly as needed with our past or present sins. Unfortunately, this exclusively vertical approach to heart issues often provides no lasting relief for many people.

Why? Not because sin isn’t a real issue in your lives, but because this approach fails to recognize the role of emotional pain in locking up a human heart, “Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none.  They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar for my thirst (Psalm 69:20).”

Sin may not be the primary issue, but the soul-searing wounds inflicted by heartless people. Your inner-pain may be the result of a parent who never expressed genuine love for you or abused you. Or the emotional aftermath of a divorce that occurred when you were young. Or the reason you feel emotionally numb is that you learned early in life to disassociate your feelings, whenever painful situations arise.

One of the primary problems, with treating emotional pain issues as if they were a sin issue, is that it can trap a hurting person, in a cycle of despair. Because your heartfelt confessions of sin do not produce the relief you are desperately seeking, you conclude God is either unwilling to forgive you or you have been insincere (or forgotten something) in your confession. The devil takes advantage of your confusion and locks your heart into near-permanent despair or depression. A poor soul can come to the conclusion they are beyond hope or help. That’s why we reiterate:

3.  Sin and emotional pain each must be dealt with for the human heart to know true freedom.

Jesus was aware how painful experiences can harden the human heart. Read the Gospel accounts of His life and you’ll notice how He often approached truly hurting people. He first cared about their emotional pain and then later addressed their sinful actions.

Take Jesus’ encounter with the woman at the well in Samaria. Being God, He knows from the start she is living with a man in an unmarried state. Yet in John 4:7-9, Jesus begins their conversation this way, “Will you give me a drink?’ (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, `You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?’ (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans)” Jesus did the unthinkable for an orthodox Jewish man at that time. He sat down and talked with a Gentile woman in public. Not just any woman either for she was a woman with a `reputation.’

When Jesus dignifies her by asking for a drink she is shocked. He is perhaps the first man who ever spoke to her as a person rather than as an object of gossip or lust. His caring kindness (emotional healing) reaches her heart. She begins to ask searching spiritual questions.

Once she knows He cares about her, He is able to address the sin issues in her life (spiritual healing), “Go, call your husband and come back.” “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true (4:16-18).”

She hurries into town to tell everyone she has met the promised Messiah. The story reminds us of the powerful truth of Romans 2:4, “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?” It is the kindness of Jesus that leads her to repent of her life of adultery.

4.  We can ask God to show us our emotional pain issues and our sin issues – and He will.

The Psalmist put it this way, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).”

Paul reminds us in Romans 8:27, “And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.” ”

While it is God who performs the true heart exam, He often uses a variety of tools or instruments to accomplish this. He may use a Christian counselor or pastor who is able to help uncover things in our heart that we never recognized before.

Or God may use a close friend to help us understand issues at work in our hearts. Proverbs tells us to welcome such insights, even if they are painful at first, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted (Galatians 6:1).”

5.  God uses His inspired and inerrant Word – the Bible – to show us what’s in our hearts.

We are assuming that you are already a believer, that you have confessed your sins, placed your faith in the finished work of Christ on the Cross and the blood shed by Christ, as the sacrifice for your sins and have begun your personal relationship with Him.  Otherwise, check out Need Him

The Scriptures say, “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart (Hebrews 4:12).”

Worldly regret over our sins and shortcomings feels like a hammer and we are the nail. It punishes, discourages and ultimately produces a feeling of death. But, God’s convicting work does just the opposite. It woos and draws us irresistibly back to God. It ultimately saves us from destruction and leaves no regret. Godly sorrow is strong, but not dangerous. It is penetrating, but not damaging. It is inescapable, but not fatal. It is at its very nature life-giving, liberating, and joyous.

Never underestimate the power of God’s Word to transform a hardened heart. That’s why it’s important you spend significant time daily in God’s Word. We recommend reading five chapters a day. We know that sounds rather daunting, particularly if you’re not used to reading even one chapter a day.

Yet, we have a simple plan that will help you accomplish it. Each day read two chapters of the Old Testament, one chapter of the Psalms, one of Proverbs, and one chapter from the New Testament. Guess what? It will take you approximately 20-30 minutes to do so. If you follow that simple discipline, you’ll have read through the entire Bible in one year. Trust us, it will have a profound and life-changing influence on softening your heart.

And, pray often throughout the day.

6.  We encourage you to use The Personal Heart Exam inventory by Bob and Cheryl Moeller. (Please email us and we will email you a free copy of the Personal Heart Exam, a short survey (seven pages) for you to take, written by Bob and Cheryl Moeller.  Take it at home, after you print it off, and it will help to show you how well it is with your soul.)

The Personal Heart Exam is by no means a substitute for God’s Spirit speaking to you through God’s Word. Yet, it can supplement and help clarify what you are learning from Scripture and prayer.

We recommend taking The Personal Heart Exam, separate from your mate. Share the results only, if and when, the moment is right. However, if there are serious problems between the two of you, it’s best to do it in the presence of a trained Biblical counselor or pastor.

You might be thinking by now, that discovering the true condition of your heart is the equivalent of undergoing a root canal with no anesthesia. Who needs the pain? Listen to this reassuring promise from Scripture, “Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For He wounds, but He also binds up; He injures, but His hands also heal (Job 5:17-18).” It does indeed hurt at times to discover what’s in our hearts. Yet, that’s when God is able to do a softening work in our heart. The joy that follows makes the process something you will come to cherish, rather than resent.

7.  God will do whatever He has to do to soften our hearts, if we allow Him to do so.

God is on your side.  He wants to soften your heart.  It’s not that you need more of God, He needs more of you.

Letting God soften our heart is much like the discipline process the writer of Hebrews talks about: “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!” (Hebrews 12:7,9).

When God is through with the process of softening our hearts, the rewards will far outweigh the costs. The harvest of righteousness and peace that Scriptures promise is just one way of describing the new sense of love that you will feel.  Jesus taught that enduring hardship will reap lasting rewards of joy.

8.  We must confess each area of our hardness of heart to God.

This principle is explained further in James 5:16: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

9.  Biblical confession means to whole-heartedly agree with God that we have done something wrong and it needs to stop.

To soften our heart will require we agree with God where we have acted wrongly. We need to repent of our sins.

Our past sexual behavior is not the only area where we need confession and renunciation. What about the cruel and heartless things we’ve said to our spouse? What about the deep and bitter feelings we’ve harbored toward other people? What about our years of self-focus that made our own lives and goals the center of our attention?

Not only is honest confession needed to soften our hearts, but so is the next step which may be the most difficult choice we’ll ever make.

10.  To soften our heart we must choose to forgive everyone who has hurt us.

In some respects forgiveness is the opposite side of confession. In confession we admit we owe others a moral debt, in forgiveness we admit others owe us a moral debt-one we must release them from.

Next we will discuss putting boundaries in place, when you are married to an angry spouse.

We suggest reading Biblical Concept Counseling Workbook:  Identifying and Resolving Personal and Marital Problems by John Regier, Colorado Springs:  Biblical Concepts in Counseling.

Questions or Information:  office@bobandcherylmoeller.com

 

What’s the Source of All Love?

The great missionary David Livingstone spent a great deal of his adult life looking for the source of the Nile River in Africa. What is the source of true love in your marriage? You don’t have to attend a seminar, buy a cassette tape series, or make an exotic pilgrimage to discover this healing power. You simply have to ask God for it. Listen to what the Apostle John, often known as the Apostle of Love, wrote: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God…This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another (1 John 4:7, 10-11).” If God is the true source of all love, why not invite that river to flow into your marriage?

Why Is My Spouse Angry?

You know the scenario: the slightest word, the wrong inflection in your voice, or a simple mistake and your partner goes off with over-the-top anger. You are left wondering, “Is this all my fault?”  The answer:  “Probably not.”

Rather, your spouse is dealing with one or more of the basic emotional/spiritual causes of hurtful anger:

1. bitterness
2. moral impurity
3. unrealistic expectations
4. idols of materialism
5. low self-esteem
6. pride

If this describes you or your spouse, you need to repent of these issues and turn away from the causes of anger.

Proverbs 19:22a  “What is desirable in a person is kindness…”

 

 

 

 

 

Editor’s Note: Over the next few weeks Bob & Cheryl will be occasionally delving into the serious issue of anger in marriage. Some of the posts will be lengthy. MMCW prays the posts will be both insightful and lead to healing in hurting homes.

Exposed: Pornography & Marriage

In today’s episode Carla Anne Coroy interviews Ashley Weis, author of Exposed: A Novel, and Gerry Pettyjohn, as sex addiction counselor.  Together they discuss some of the questions and topics sent in to Mentoring Moments since the first episode of this conversation a few weeks ago.

From how to handle the fact that your husband has a several decade porn addiction to how to help wives release their early-marriage dreams and find true, pure dreams and expectations for marriage, you’ll hear practical tips on how to deal with, heal and become restored within your marriage.

On today’s show we also announce the winner of the contest to win Ashley’s book, Exposed: A Novel.  Please listen in, enjoy the 30 minutes of conversation and pass this on to a friend or family who could use the encouragement and hope. Click here to listen.

Carla Anne Coroy

I Want a Peaceful Home with My Spouse

Question:  What should I do?  I want a peaceful home, but there are “fireworks,” from my spouse when I least expect it.

The angry spouse is characterized by ongoing hostility, emotional outbursts, and simmering resentment. Typically, this person was raised in a home where at least one, if not both, parents struggled with this same anger and hostility in their hearts.

In a marriage, anger becomes an emotional cover for underlying unresolved hurt and pain. It seems for men to be the “sin of choice” for dealing with these difficult underlying emotions. It offers the angry spouse the illusion of feeling in control of threatening situations. In its milder form, the angry heart spills out daily sarcasm and subtle put-downs in the marriage. In its more severe form, verbal and physical abuse occurs. (You need to talk to a pastor or Christian counselor immediately, if that is true.)

A spouse with an angry heart cannot experience emotional intimacy because their wall of hostility keeps their mate (and others) from getting too close. The result is a frustrating and lonely marriage for both partners.

Ironically, many times the angry spouse likes to disguise his anger by saying, “You make me so angry.”
(Reread Why Is My Spouse Angry? on the causes of anger.  You are not the cause of their anger.)

Anger is nothing new.  Jesus said if we carry sinful and relationship-killing anger in our hearts toward our spouse, it’s the equivalent of spiritual homicide. “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, `Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother (spouse) will be subject to judgment.” (Matthew 5:21-22)

Anger can be subtle, all the way to neck-bulging, or even go apoplectic in rage fits.  The awful truth is that all degrees of the spectrum are deadly to marriage and intimacy.

But, what if there’s only one soft heart?  That’s the $1,000,000 question.  So often, we get asked the question “what do I do, if my spouse ruins life with hourly, daily or weekly anger fits?”

Part One of the Answer:  Never underestimate the power of one softened heart to influence the other heart.

While there is no guarantee that one softened heart will call out a softened heart in the other spouse, it is the best opportunity we have to see it happen. This we might call “The Weber Grill Principle of Marriage.” In our fair city, Weber grills were first produced, and in fact several popular restaurants exist by the same name. Savory food is prepared over a real charcoal and barrel-like stove; just to walk in the door is to catch the delectable scent of a summer backyard barbeque in progress.

What is the Weber Grill Principle of Marriage? It’s described by Solomon in the book of Proverbs, “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you” (25:21-22).  This same passage is repeated and expanded upon in the New Testament by the apostle Paul, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written, `It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: `If you enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17-21).

Your enemy at this moment might be none other than your husband or wife. In their hard-hearted state, they may have said or done things that have hurt or even devastated you. The Bible says it’s precisely at this moment our soft heart is to take over our words and actions. (That doesn’t mean that you don’t set boundaries.)

We are to live at peace as far as it depends on us. We are to leave the matter of justice, wrath, and repayment to God. Contrary to our fallen human nature, we are actually to reach out to our hard-hearted spouse with acts of unmerited grace and kindness. If they are hungry, we are to offer them food. If they are thirsty we are to give them something to drink.

What’s the grand purpose God has in mind behind this unexpected and undeserved care and compassion we show our hard-hearted spouse? “In doing this you will heap burning coals on his head.” That’s the Weber Grill Principle of Marriage. As we show our spouse unmerited kindness and love, it will have the same impact as if we took a Weber grill filled with glowing charcoal briquettes and dumped them out on our spouse’s head.

Now that may sound rather mean, if not vengeful to do. It’s not; instead it symbolizes the power of kindness to bring searing conviction to an otherwise stubborn and callused heart. It may also refer to the unusual practice in the ancient Near East of a person carrying around a basket of smoking-hot coals on their head. They did this to symbolize their deep contrition and genuine repentance over wrongs they had committed. Our acts of unexpected mercy, grace, and compassion extended to our spouse will impact their hardened heart. Let us stress again, while we are encouraging a soft heart to stay soft, we definitely are not encouraging spouses to remain in an abusive environment.  Again, if this is where you find yourself, you need to call your pastor or Biblical counselor today.

Perhaps the ultimate example of retaining a softened heart in the face of an evil heart, is Christ’s example on the Cross. At the moment of His greatest physical agony He prayed, “`Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.’ And they divided up His clothes by casting lots. The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at Him. They said, `He saved others; let Him save Himself if He is the Christ of God, the Chosen One (Luke 23:33-35).

A soft heart is the opposite of an angry heart.  What’s the use of maintaining a soft heart when our spouse’s heart is as hard as cement?

A soft heart maintains our open and intimate relationship with God.

A soft heart sets the right example for our children.

A soft heart will open your life up to unexpected blessings.

A soft heart creates the best opportunity for our spouse’s heart to change.

A soft heart accumulates eternal rewards stored for us in heaven.

The Scriptures tell us our real reward is not in this life, but in the world to come. Hebrews 10:35 assures us, “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Jesus makes the same promise in the book of Revelation, “Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done” (22:12).

There may be right now no visible reason or tangible encouragement to continue keeping our heart soft toward our spouse. We may have reached the point where a change of heart on their part seems all but impossible. It may be that we are ready to give up and walk away from the relationship. Could we encourage you to continue to maintain your soft heart for no other reason that it will one day be richly rewarded when Christ returns to earth? Difficult as it may be to grasp, magnificent, glorious and eternal rewards are accumulating for us in heaven as we continue to unconditionally love or respect our spouse. Is that just imaginative or wishful thinking? Listen to the clear teaching of Paul, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

It may seem like all our gestures of kindness, acts of compassion, and attempts at love have been wasted on our spouse. Their heart seems as far from yours as the east is from the west. Yet, according to God’s Word something very valuable, even eternal has been occurring. Our eternal reward for obeying the command to love our wife or respect our husband (Ephesians 5:25-33) has been steadily building.

It reminds us of the true story of a pastor who never earned more than $20,000 a year in his entire career, yet he married and raised a family on that modest income. He lived quite simply, and at the same time put away a portion of his salary into his savings (that continued to earn compounded interest). Near the end of his active ministry he approached a financial consultant in his congregation with a simple question. “What should he do now with his accumulated life savings?”  The consultant was shocked when he learned the pastor had more than one million dollars in the bank.

The same compounding interest principle holds true in the reward we will receive in heaven, if we keep our hearts soft toward our spouse, over a lifetime. The returns may not be immediate or impressive to start with. Yet, our faithfulness over a lifetime will produce a huge and lasting reward. We will one day hear the words from Christ Himself, “…’Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” (Matthew 25:23).’

It reminds us of a principle we learned years ago from an E. Stanley Jones devotional book, “You cannot do the right thing, and ultimately have it turn out wrong. Nor can you do the wrong thing and ultimately have it turn out right. God’s moral universe will not allow it to happen.”

If we choose to keep our heart soft toward our spouse even when their heart is not, it can only turn out right in the end. The integrity of God’s Word guarantees it. As Numbers 23:19 declares, “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that He should change his mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?” Hang on!  The answer is three parts, so we’ll have more on this topic on Friday.  We will cover  how to soften your own heart and how to set boundaries with an angry spouse.

Dear God,  We pray even this day that you, the Lord of the universe, would work to soften even our hearts.  For your honor and glory,  Amen

Nine Ways to Have a Fair Fight

1. Speak the truth in love. Regardless of what needs to be said, we can always say it with kindness. There is never a need to be harsh, cruel or humiliating. Nor do we need to hide or conceal the truth from one another simply to keep the peace. When we speak the truth in love, relationships are preserved and important values are protected.

2. In your anger, do not sin. Though our partner may have hurt or offended us, a softened heart will never seek to punish or shame or control the other person. If our expectations have been disappointed we can still resolve the issue in a way that honors God and preserves the relationship.

3. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. A softened heart will always seek to resolve the relationship rupture as soon as it occurs. While it is sometimes advisable to take a time out when emotions are running high, we should never put off the reconciliation of our relationship to the next day.

4. Don’t give the devil a foothold. Unkind and unloving words or actions can give ground in our marriage to the Enemy of our souls. At first he seeks only a toehold, then a foothold, then an armhold and ultimately a stranglehold. As soon as we realize we have damaged the other person’s heart, we should seek forgiveness and reconciliation. Remember the nine words that can rescue any marriage, “I am sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me.”

5. Don’t use any unwholesome words. If you must argue, then discipline your words. Don’t say anything you (or your partner) will later regret. That means deciding ahead of time that there are certain words you will never use in an argument such as, “I hate you,” or “I regret the day I married you,” or “I want a divorce.”

6. Say only those things that will build up your spouse. It is possible even in a conflict to use only positive and edifying words. In the midst of your disagreement you can interject statements such as, “That’s an excellent point,” “You have great wisdom,” and “I have only the highest respect for you.” Such positive and edifying statements will drain the toxicity from your disagreement and replace it with love and respect.

7. Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit with your words or attitude. It’s important to stop and remember that when you are arguing there is Someone that is listening — the Holy Spirit that lives in both of you. Just as children’s hearts are grieved when they hear their parents argue, the Spirit of God is sorrowed when He hears us tear each other down. Say only those things to each other that would be pleasing to God–He is listening.

8. Forgive each other as Christ has forgiven you. As difficult as it can be to offer forgiveness to our spouse, we need to remember that Christ has forgiven us not some, or most, but all our sins. If it were not so, we would have no hope of ever entering heaven (not even a single sin will be permitted there). To forgive as Christ has forgiven us means to forgive one another for everything.

9.  Ask God to continually examine our hearts. Even in the midst of a conflict with our spouse we can silently pray, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139: 23-24)

The real issue is not whether we ever argue with one another, but if we will allow God to keep our hearts soft toward each other as we disagree. As God points out our wrong attitudes or hurtful words, we can confess and repent of it on the spot.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”Ephesians 4:29

Never Call Temptation Love

From The Marriage Miracle, chapter 6

A Soft Heart is Attracted Only to Our Spouse

Never Call Temptation Love

Let us say a word to anyone who struggles with an intense temptation to stray from your vows. First, please realize that it isn’t love drawing you to the other person. It is actually illicit desire, acting as an emotional anesthetic, which promises to deaden the pain in your heart. Can we say this in the strongest and plainest terms possible?     The strong attraction you feel to the other person is not from God.

What is tempting you is the world, the flesh, the devil, or all three at once. The Bible says those three are at war with the Spirit of God that lives within you, “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want (Galatians 5:16-17).”

May we also say, the war going on inside, is a real conflict. It isn’t a harmless emotional struggle simply between the good and the best, boredom and excitement, or Option A or Option B. It’s an all out winner-take-all loser-is-destroyed war between good and evil, blessing and destruction, and ultimately life and death. Proverbs 5:3-5 lays it on the table, “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.”

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