Clearing the Air

“If you really loved me, you’d know what I was feeling.”

“If I have to tell you what I’m thinking, I won’t do it.”

Have you ever said things like that to each other? It’s not uncommon for hurting spouses to expect their mates to know exactly what they’re feeling and why. It’s also very unrealistic. The truth is we can’t read each other’s minds.

The apostle Paul offers a wonderful alternative to the impossible task of reading minds: speaking the truth in love. He tells us to “put away all falsehood and tell your neighbor the truth.’”

When we’re upset with our husbands, we should quit expecting our spouses to read our minds. Instead, we should say something like, “Dear, when you walked ahead of me through the mall, I felt unimportant to you.” Or “When you criticized how I painted the eves, I felt unappreciated.” That will end the guessing game and let the reconciliation begin in your marriage.  Speak the truth in love.

So what’s on your mind today?

“But this is what you must do: Tell the truth to each other.” Zechariah 8:16

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

Mrs. Klingon and Mr. Vulcan

My husband and I are as different as day and night.  Everything from our personalities, thinking skills, likes and dislikes are completely different. Even so, we complement each other magnificently.

When Brian and I were dating, he was shy and quiet–I remember how this would frustrate me.  I could have long conversations with him where the only words he would utter would be yes, no, and uhum.  I admit it was hard for him to get a word in as I do love to hear myself talk. This man intrigued me with his quiet wisdom and amazing kindness. I knew there was much more to him–I opened myself to hear his heart and allowed him to hear mine.

We were the best of friends for almost two years before we even began dating and somehow, all that time I knew I would eventually marry him.  He was quiet, serious, and intelligent while I was the loud free spirit who lived as though I had it all together while deep inside my world was in total chaos.

God knew we needed each other.

I like to think of my husband as a type of Mr. Spock from the Star Trek series and of myself as Mrs. Klingon.  If you are familiar with the Star Trek series, you know that Spock was a Vulcan known for total control of his emotions.  Vulcans are cool because they are strong, wise, and have pointy ears.  The Klingons on the other hand are loose cannons.  They are impulsive, loud, devoted to their creed and have big, wrinkly foreheads.  That is pretty much my husband and I in a nutshell–minus the pointy ears and big wrinkly forehead.

The first few years of our marriage were interesting as we tried to adjust to our differences.  Besides the already mentioned personality differences, let me add that we both come from different cultures (he is Anglo and I am Hispanic) and that alone added spiciness to what already seemed a challenging recipe.

We do not like to say we fight or argue, but rather that we have intense fellowship in our marriage.  Many, many moments of intense fellowship!  We have learned from each other and have grown as individuals and partners. Sometimes I catch myself behaving more like a Vulcan–more in control of my emotions. There are times I could swear I see the wrinkly thing on his forehead. What has happened is the universal thing that happens to dog owners all over the world.  After so long, the dogs begin to look like the owners.

We are such a unit. We look, think, talk, walk, and even look alike. When I look into his eyes, I see some of the brown of my eyes mixed with the blue of his—I’m just being poetic.  It’s the craziest thing!

How did this happen?   We learned to compromise.

It is not always easy being the one with the pointy ears because in order to affirm each other, we need to be like an open book. We need to show our emotions and talk about them and yes, if necessary have intense fellowship.  The same goes for the one with the wrinkly, big forehead. We have to make an effort to think carefully about what we say and do.  We must remember we are not separate units any longer–we are one.  As one, we must be willing to live a sacrificial life that elevates our partner and allows him to succeed, regardless of our differences.

I am nothing like Christ, though I strive to be more like Him daily.  I am not naive enough to think I am perfect, but I have a great example in Him. His example is one I can follow and project to others.  When I see what Christ has sacrificed for loving me, it makes me willing to do anything and everything I can to be faithful to Him.  That is the kind of love Christ has modeled for me to follow with my partner.  He intends that we have the same intensity of love, faithfulness and passion for our partners that He has for His church.

So what if we are different!  Once you get past the pointy ears and wrinkly forehead, I believe you will find your galaxy is not so big that you could lose each other.

There is a quote I have always liked from one of my favorite movies:

The Painted Veil (2006):

“Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.”

This is so true but it does not have to be this way.  We can bridge the gap and meet in the middle of the road.  We can find each other again and instead of drawing farther apart, we can learn to coexist and love sacrificially.

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The Loneliest Man

While a wife might believe the loneliest man she knows is a widower or a single male, it very well could be her husband.

1. In Genesis God looks at Adam and says, “It’s not good that man be alone.”
2. This was before sin had entered the world — so his loneliness and desire for a companion were part of God’s design.
3. When women lose their husbands, 75% of them never remarry, but when a man loses his wife 80% remarry.
4. Studies show that most American men say they do not have one close friend — in other words they are lonely.
5. Wise is the wife who chooses to be her husband’s friend — even buddy — she will be meeting one of his deepest needs.
6. Men need shoulder to shoulder communication rather than face to face communication, which means wives need to hang out with their husbands.
7. Wives need to do the things a buddy would do with her husband — work on a car, go fishing, watch a ball game and eat good food (or at least hang out, while he does).
8. A survey of 400 divorced men said the number one trait they admired and wanted in their next wife was, “to be my best friend.”

Proverbs 18:24 “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Wives – why not be that friend/buddy?

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

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The Man of My Dreams

When I was growing up, men were not highly regarded in my family. A series of dysfunctional relationships, some of which I will never know the depths of, led women in my family to choose disrespect over honor, “ruling” over submission, and competition over desiring the best for the men in their lives.  I grew up longing for a man I could love and honor, and yet fearing that a man would hurt me or desert me.

I am the Cinderella in each of us — in my broken state, I have longed for my Prince Charming. He’s big and strong and handsome. He’s gentle and will never hurt me. He places me on a pedestal of honor and earns my submission with his kindness and protection for me.

Over time, my hope in the existence of Prince Charming eroded, and I lost faith in ever having my fairy-tale husband. Gently my Papa reminded me that every girl’s first dream man is her daddy, and ultimately, God is the perfect Daddy. Still, I believed He longed to bless me with the prince who would hold my hand and heart here in the Shadowlands.

Flash forward — my dream wedding night, I said “I do” forever-ish to the man I knew would be the fulfillment of all those fantasies. He loved God and promised to love me. Unfortunately ( fortunately for me), he also came to the altar with broken dreams rekindled on our meeting. And he was just as humanly ill-equipped to meet my desires as I was to meet his.

A few more years, and sweet moments, and yelling moments, and teary nights, and tender snuggles, and sweet love, and five babies, and lost jobs, and new hopes, and here we stand.

Lately, my Papa has been showing me in a new way that through these 13 years, this son of Adam has been my friend. He has been my brother, and he has become my true love — the man of my dreams. And my dreams have changed.

Now my fantasy prince is a man who is strong and quiet (except when he’s not).  He is tender and kind to our children (except when he’s human). He is faithful and honors me. He pushes me to become more like God and he cheers me on to pursue my artistic dreams… no matter how many times they shift and morph into new ones. He holds my hand, and he provides for me, and he is not perfect.

More than anything, though, I have been awed to see our Papa working in him in new ways.  Markedly (for me) he has shown me grace repeatedly when I don’t deserve it. Yes, like me, he has lashed out in moments of frustration. In those moments, I forget all the good and still, like the little girl afraid of desertion, I want to run from this man. Sometimes I silently vow I will never trust again.

But gently, my Papa pries open my heart and, through this man, He shows me what grace and forgiveness look like.

Love always hopes, love always perseveres, love never fails.

My trust is not in this man – it is in my Prince of Peace.  But while I walk here in the Shadowlands, I am in awe that He has sent me this prince to walk alongside me.

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Marriage Blog Carnival 2009

On May 11, 2009 MMCW hosted our first blog carnival focused on marriage. If you missed this special you can take advantage of it now. I trust you will be blessed, encouraged, inspired, and challenged as you read these thoughtful contributions.  Several readers have shared a slice of their lives, giving us a window into their marriages….what is challenging them, how the Lord is working in their lives, and ideas for strengthening our marriages. Simply click the links and enjoy!

Beth at Pages of our Life couldn’t be silent about her husband, even on Wordless Wednesday!  She writes, “A woman will not undress her heart until she knows it is safe, and that her husband lovingly adores her heart as much as he craves the package that is holding it. It so easy to be shamed by our noticeable imperfections and want to hide them, but having a partner that embraces them and loves them is the best thing in the world. We were never intended to hide behind leaves when we left the Garden of Eden….”

Angela at Dancing With My Father met her mother-in-law a few weeks before she met her husband-to-be.  She was instantly drawn to the woman who would become her mother-in-law, and it was some of those same qualities which ultimately attracted her to her husband.  Read her post Marriage equals two plus…., in which she reflects on how marriage is not just the union of two individuals, but of two families.

Marissa presents The 21 day challenge! Jesus and Ris take on afternoon anger! posted at Star Girl Marissa shares about her 21 day challenge to break the anger habit.  She reminds us that often our anger toward our husband stems from misconceptions we may hold about their motives.

Amy tells about a wedding she recently attended, with some inspirational advice for the new couple.  In her post  Marriage….,  she reminds us that in every life, a little rain must fall, but this prevents seasons of drought.  You can catch up with Amy at her blog If only everyone thought this way….

Jan wrote an original poem which captures the tender love she has for her husband.  Read her heartwarming poem Valentine’s day at her blog  A Tiny Little Ripple

Tracey has compiled a list of things that make husbands feel blessed.  Christian husbands contributed their thoughts to this post, and it is surprising how often they mentioned support as one of their greatest needs. This post will challenge you to be more intentional about blessing your husband. Blessing Our Husbands is posted at Mary Devoted, Martha Driven

Tracey also shares about how a woman influences the atmosphere at home in her post Setting the Spirit of the Home , also posted at Mary Devoted, Martha Driven

Carla Anne Coroy reflects on the bumping and bruising that occurs as two people rub off each other’s rough edges in her article about Carrots and Washing Machines. She reminds us that although it isn’t comfortable, the Lord uses this process to sanctify us. Carrots and Washing Machines is posted at Married Single Moms: A Christian community for married women parenting alone.

Lori’s touching article Marriage and Ballroom Dancing posted at Deeper with Jesus in Rhode Island reminds us that we never see the sweat and hard work that goes into creating a graceful dance. A beautiful marriage takes lots of hard work behind the scenes, as well.

MMCW editor Kellie reflects on the role of mentors in a woman’s life in her post How Not to Clean a Toilet posted at Oasis.  Kellie also offers a bit of comic relief in her post Johnny & Chachi sing The Don’t Song posted at Oasis.  She encourages every married couple to watch this video clip, especially newlyweds! You’ll laugh as you hear Johnny and Chachi tell men what NOT to do if they want to be happily married.

Josephine gives us a challenge to put the Lord at the center of our lives, rather than our husband, in her reflection on  Who’s in Your Centre? posted at Somewhere in Time.

Brenda shares about The Red Book on her blog The Tie That Binds Us, saying, “A tradition that my husband started years ago has been a treasured keepsake and an open door to communication.”

Molly Evert explains how a man and wife are to reflect Christ’s relationship with the church to one another in her post  Encourage One Another, posted on her blog Counter-Cultural mom

Four Kinds of Happiness at Our Red House reminds us that happiness is a choice, and that those couples who remain happily married for a lifetime choose to overlook one another’s faults.

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Romance, Passion, and Deep Love

So often we think about Valentine’s Day being a romantic celebration.  And it is.  However, you can bring so much more depth to that romance in your marriage then just dinner and a dozen red roses.

Valentine’s Day is the celebration of marriage.  God created the idea of marriage, at least in part, to represent His intimate relationship with us.  Marriage is a covenant between three, not just two, but we often leave out the main One when we celebrate our marital love.  You can only truly be in love with your husband as much as you are in love with Jesus and allow His love to overflow through you.  And that’s what we all want, right?  A marriage full of romance, passion and deep love.

To make your Valentine’s Day especially full, meaningful and romantic change your focus this season.  You will need to work ahead, so start now.  You have two weeks to prepare for your marriage celebration.  Here are some ideas to have a Holy Heart this Valentine’s Day:

Spend time in prayer specifically for your marriage.

Confess to God and your husband any sin you’ve committed against him, grudge you’ve been holding onto and fears you have.

If he confesses to you, be prepared to forgive.  It may not be easy, so go into this ‘prayed up’.

Ask the Lord to give you a clean heart before each other so that your intimacy can be pure and complete.

Pray Scripture for your husband and your marriage.

Consider fasting for your marriage for a day or week before Valentine’s day, breaking your fast in time to celebrate.

When you celebrate your physical love remember the freedom God has given you through Jesus.  Your private moments are God’s special gift to you both.  Plan for it, prepare for it, and choose to engage with your husband in this way as worship to God, thanking Him that He knows you even more intimately than that.

If your husband is a believer, suggest that you pray together before or even during your intimate bedroom moments to actively include God in every part of your marriage.  If he is not in agreement with that, pray quietly all the while, giving thanks to God for what He has gifted to you.

A holy heart before God is the best way to be prepared to experience the fullness of romance, love and passion this Valentine’s Day.  And the best part?  It’s not reserved just for February 14^th!

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Delayed Answers to Prayer in Marriage

Have you prayed for answers in your marriage that have not yet arrived?  Delayed answers can shake and undermine your faith in God.

How can we live with peace, hope, and faith in our marriage while waiting for answers to come?

- Look each day for postcards from God — sent to encourage you.
- God’s ultimate goal is building your faith — not solving your problems.
- The Bible promises God is always at work — even when we can’t see how.
- If we knew everything God knows — we would agree with the delay in answering.
- Prayer, praise and trust in God’s loving character will sustain us.

Psalm 34:6 “This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.”

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

Keep Courting: 100 Ways to Keep Courting After Marriage

This Christmas Make Your Marriage Sparkle!

 

This Christmas – Ways to Keep Courting After Marriage for Her:

- Keep his favorite snacks on a special shelf in the refrigerator.
- Bring home three perfume samples and ask him which one he likes best.

- Order in pizza, sit next to him on the couch and watch the game.

- Have a private barbeque outside with his favorite grilled foods.
- Attend an outdoor sporting exhibition show and look through the
brochures with him.

- Write “I love you” on her calender on the first day of every month.
- Read a book on how to give a great massage and try some of it out on her.
- Send her a text message telling her you need her to pray for you.

- Tell her about what you wanted to be when you grew up.
Let her tell you about her dreams.

Your Marriage Matters to God

At one point in the program, the opportunity was given for people to share what they most appreciated about his four decades of ministry. Those who went to the microphone recognized his powerful preaching, far-sighted commitment to serving the inner-city, and the numerous young people he mentored into the ministry (I was one of those fortunate individuals).

Yet, the one outstanding accomplishment mentioned most often was this, “I’d like to thank you, Pastor, for the way you loved your wife. Your marriage was an example to all of us.” Person after person expressed their gratitude for the love and tenderness he displayed toward his wife over the decades. One person said, “You may not have known this, Pastor, but your marriage offered hope when our own relationship was in trouble. Your example gave us the courage to keep trying.”

Isn’t that remarkable? After 37 years of strong preaching, compassionate outreach, and providing visionary leadership, the one thing many people appreciated most was the quality of his marriage. That makes sense when you consider the high priority God’s Word gives to a loving and intimate marriage.

The impact of our marriage on the well-being of the church, our family, and those around us makes the stakes incredibly high. If we allow God to soften our hearts toward each other, the reverberations will spread far and wide – to our children, our neighbors and even the world. But if we go the opposite direction and harden our hearts, we can do irreparable damage to a wide variety of people. That’s why loving our spouse should be our first priority in life, second only in importance to our love for the Lord Jesus.

“On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee…This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed in Cana of Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in Him.”  John 2:1, 11

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

Eight Ways to Pray for Your Spouse

One of the most loving things we can do is to pray daily for our spouse.

1. Pray Jesus will bless your spouse today in some unexpected way.

2. Pray Jesus will allow you to be a source of joy to your spouse today.

3. Pray Jesus will soften (or keep soft) his heart towards you and others.

4. Pray Jesus will heal the hurts from  his past, let  him forgive, and give  him peace.

5. Pray Jesus will keep your spouse from all harm this day.

6. Pray Jesus will allow him to use all the gifts and talents He gave him.

7. Pray Jesus will rule on the throne of his heart this entire day.

8. Pray that Jesus will fulfill every intention He has for his life, for the Glory of God.

I Samuel 12:23  “As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you.”

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