Putting Your Spouse First

Here are five simple suggestions to help make loving your spouse a top priority, second only to your relationship with Christ.  Remember, giving your marriage the time and attention it deserves truly matters to God. He will help you implement these steps if you are willing to order your life and marriage according to His will.

1. Pray together before the day begins.
As we learned earlier, couples that pray regularly together experience less than a 1 percent divorce rate. Daily bring your marriage, children, financial needs, spiritual obstacles, and other concerns to God together in prayer. The Bible assures us heaven is always open: “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). Making prayer a priority in your marriage will invite God’s love and presence into that day’s events. It will glue your hearts together as you worship the God who created your marriage.

2. Act out love to experience feelings of love.
One of the mysteries of keeping a softened heart is that we must continue to act that way even when we don’t feel that way. When our emotions are upset or difficult to control, we need to still speak and act with a softened heart. Even if we are out of sorts, our feelings will eventually catch up with our right actions. Love is an action word in Scripture, not an emotion: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). God’s love was demonstrated by His actions, not His emotions. The same is true for us. If we will act and speak lovingly, our hearts will overcome our feelings, and love will carry the day.

3. Spend thirty minutes a day in a shared activity and intimate conversation.
It’s a truism that men communicate as the result of a shared activity, while women view communication as the activity itself. For example, if you want your husband to talk to you, then you should both engage in some simple activity such as walking, biking, or working on a project together. You’ll find that sharing an activity with your husband will open him up to interact with you in a way he doesn’t when sitting at the kitchen table. Make spending thirty minutes together a top priority so that you can stay connected through intimate conversation.

4. Give your spouse the right to access you any time day or night.
One of the important ways to communicate the priority your spouse is in your life is to allow them to interrupt your schedule. When I (Bob) was a pastor, I gave my secretary instructions to put my wife’s telephone calls through any time day or night (and that of my children as well). Regardless of who I was meeting with, I was willing to take at least thirty seconds to talk to my wife. It was my way of communicating to Cheryl and everyone else that my marriage and kids were the first priority of my life. Of course, there were moments when I had to ask Cheryl if I could call her back later, but the important point had been established that she comes first.

5. Submit your time decisions to the fifty-year rule.
It’s a good idea to stop and evaluate the way the two of you allocate your time each day. The fifty-year rule simply asks, “Fifty years from now will we be glad or regret the way we used our time today?” Will the two of you make wise choices regarding your use of time? Or will you let the tyranny of the urgent drive your schedule? How we spend our time is perhaps the surest indicator of what we value most in life.

We need to take this advice of Scripture to heart,
Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
(Psalm 90:12)

Our marriages all come with an expiration date. We may have only this day to connect our hearts; tomorrow may not come. We need to ask God to give us the wisdom to see our marriage as He sees our marriage. Once we do, we will make it the first and highest priority in our lives after our relationship with Christ.

“Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts…”

Lord Jesus, thank You for making it so clear in Your Word that my marriage relationship is to be among my highest priorities, second only to my devotion to You. I ask You to forgive me for allowing other things to confuse that divinely ordered plan. Today let my marriage be a clear example and message to the world how much You love Your Church. Use my softened heart toward my mate as an avenue to draw people to the gospel. Let our heart connection in marriage make it easier for our children to come to a lifelong faith in You. Finally, may our home be a small foretaste of the joys of heaven. I ask this in Your Name, Lord Jesus, the One who is soon returning for us, Your bride. Amen.

Excerpt from The Marriage Miracle, by Bob and Cheryl Moeller.

Copyright © 2010 by Bob and Cheryl Moeller, published by Harvest House, used with permission. All rights reserved.

For more information visit www.bobandcherylmoeller.com

Is it Possible for Prayer to Protect Your Marriage?

Did you know that 1% of couples that pray together, divorce?

But, do you find it difficult to pray with your spouse? Maybe the words come awkwardly or not at all. Let us make a simple suggestion that could turn things around. To start with, why not begin each day by praying the Lord’s Prayer found in Matthew, chapter 6 together?

Matthew 6: 9-15 “This, then, is how you should pray: ” ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread.  Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.  For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.’” Amen.

What will you be doing in this prayer?

1.  Telling God He is your Father
2.  That you desire to do His will.
3.  Asking Him to provide your family with your daily bread.
4.  Confessing that you need to forgive each other, to be forgiven.
5.  Imploring God to deliver you from temptation that could ruin your relationship.

If prayed sincerely, God will answer.

Remember, marriage is for better, for worse, and for keeps.

Protecting Your Marriage Podcast

Many of us are like the foolish woman who tears her house down with her own hands. In this podcast, I share about ways women sabotage their marriages and encourage listeners to allow God to transform each of  them into a wise woman who builds her house.

Click here for additional posts and podcasts relating to Protecting Your Marriage:

The following resources are referenced in the message Protecting Your Marriage:

To access this free  podcast, simply click here. You will be directed to our website where you can listen right from your computer. If you would like to download to your iPhone, iPod, or MP3 player click ‘Visit my Call’ on the podcast widget and follow the prompts.

Invite Jesus to Your Wedding

^“On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.”  

“Dear woman, why do you involve me?” Jesus replied, “My time has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”

“Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.” They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.”

“This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed in Cana of Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him.” John 2: 1-11

Goals for Your Wedding Day

1.  We will make our wedding a worship experience by…making Jesus the very first person we invite.

2.  Resolving to make it a worship service, rather than a production.

3.  Setting our goal to be married, not just to get married.

4.  Praising the Creator, rather than calling attention to us.

5.  Setting a budget to honor God rather than to impress people.

6.  Publicly honoring our parents and grandparents.

7.  Remembering it is Christ, not the pastor who really marries you.

8.  Call attention on your wedding day to our true future hope – the second coming of Christ (the wedding supper of the Lamb.)  “Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory!  For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.” Revelation 19:7

Some Serious Questions to consider:

Will people remember Jesus more than the two of you when the day is over?

Is the presence of Christ truly welcome in all your festivities including at the reception?

Will the people who attend catch a glimpse of heaven?

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

Surprised by Joy

The love affair between Joy Davidman and C. S. Lewis is one of the remarkable romance stories of the last century. The two met when Joy, who was an American, began reading her sons the books that C. S. Lewis, a scholar at Oxford, had written for children. Eventually Joy Davidman asked C. S. “Jack” Lewis if he would marry her simply to make her legally eligible for British citizenship. Lewis agreed, and after a civil ceremony the two went their separate ways.

Later Joy discovered she had cancer. During her treatment, she and Jack fell in love. They were married in a Christian ceremony in her hospital room. For the remainder of their brief marriage, they experienced a depth of love and commitment neither had believed possible.  Lewis grieved her loss for the rest of his life. He had come so close to missing the pearl of great price God had placed in his life.

God has given you a mate of rare value and beauty. Do you value your mate for the treasure he is? Have you come to appreciate your spouse as the priceless gift of God in your life?

It’s still not too late.

Thank God for entrusting to your care a great treasure.

“When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it!” Matthew 13:45-46

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

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Clearing the Air

“If you really loved me, you’d know what I was feeling.”

“If I have to tell you what I’m thinking, I won’t do it.”

Have you ever said things like that to each other? It’s not uncommon for hurting spouses to expect their mates to know exactly what they’re feeling and why. It’s also very unrealistic. The truth is we can’t read each other’s minds.

The apostle Paul offers a wonderful alternative to the impossible task of reading minds: speaking the truth in love. He tells us to “put away all falsehood and tell your neighbor the truth.’”

When we’re upset with our husbands, we should quit expecting our spouses to read our minds. Instead, we should say something like, “Dear, when you walked ahead of me through the mall, I felt unimportant to you.” Or “When you criticized how I painted the eves, I felt unappreciated.” That will end the guessing game and let the reconciliation begin in your marriage.  Speak the truth in love.

So what’s on your mind today?

“But this is what you must do: Tell the truth to each other.” Zechariah 8:16

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

Mrs. Klingon and Mr. Vulcan

My husband and I are as different as day and night.  Everything from our personalities, thinking skills, likes and dislikes are completely different. Even so, we complement each other magnificently.

When Brian and I were dating, he was shy and quiet–I remember how this would frustrate me.  I could have long conversations with him where the only words he would utter would be yes, no, and uhum.  I admit it was hard for him to get a word in as I do love to hear myself talk. This man intrigued me with his quiet wisdom and amazing kindness. I knew there was much more to him–I opened myself to hear his heart and allowed him to hear mine.

We were the best of friends for almost two years before we even began dating and somehow, all that time I knew I would eventually marry him.  He was quiet, serious, and intelligent while I was the loud free spirit who lived as though I had it all together while deep inside my world was in total chaos.

God knew we needed each other.

I like to think of my husband as a type of Mr. Spock from the Star Trek series and of myself as Mrs. Klingon.  If you are familiar with the Star Trek series, you know that Spock was a Vulcan known for total control of his emotions.  Vulcans are cool because they are strong, wise, and have pointy ears.  The Klingons on the other hand are loose cannons.  They are impulsive, loud, devoted to their creed and have big, wrinkly foreheads.  That is pretty much my husband and I in a nutshell–minus the pointy ears and big wrinkly forehead.

The first few years of our marriage were interesting as we tried to adjust to our differences.  Besides the already mentioned personality differences, let me add that we both come from different cultures (he is Anglo and I am Hispanic) and that alone added spiciness to what already seemed a challenging recipe.

We do not like to say we fight or argue, but rather that we have intense fellowship in our marriage.  Many, many moments of intense fellowship!  We have learned from each other and have grown as individuals and partners. Sometimes I catch myself behaving more like a Vulcan–more in control of my emotions. There are times I could swear I see the wrinkly thing on his forehead. What has happened is the universal thing that happens to dog owners all over the world.  After so long, the dogs begin to look like the owners.

We are such a unit. We look, think, talk, walk, and even look alike. When I look into his eyes, I see some of the brown of my eyes mixed with the blue of his—I’m just being poetic.  It’s the craziest thing!

How did this happen?   We learned to compromise.

It is not always easy being the one with the pointy ears because in order to affirm each other, we need to be like an open book. We need to show our emotions and talk about them and yes, if necessary have intense fellowship.  The same goes for the one with the wrinkly, big forehead. We have to make an effort to think carefully about what we say and do.  We must remember we are not separate units any longer–we are one.  As one, we must be willing to live a sacrificial life that elevates our partner and allows him to succeed, regardless of our differences.

I am nothing like Christ, though I strive to be more like Him daily.  I am not naive enough to think I am perfect, but I have a great example in Him. His example is one I can follow and project to others.  When I see what Christ has sacrificed for loving me, it makes me willing to do anything and everything I can to be faithful to Him.  That is the kind of love Christ has modeled for me to follow with my partner.  He intends that we have the same intensity of love, faithfulness and passion for our partners that He has for His church.

So what if we are different!  Once you get past the pointy ears and wrinkly forehead, I believe you will find your galaxy is not so big that you could lose each other.

There is a quote I have always liked from one of my favorite movies:

The Painted Veil (2006):

“Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.”

This is so true but it does not have to be this way.  We can bridge the gap and meet in the middle of the road.  We can find each other again and instead of drawing farther apart, we can learn to coexist and love sacrificially.

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The Loneliest Man

While a wife might believe the loneliest man she knows is a widower or a single male, it very well could be her husband.

1. In Genesis God looks at Adam and says, “It’s not good that man be alone.”
2. This was before sin had entered the world — so his loneliness and desire for a companion were part of God’s design.
3. When women lose their husbands, 75% of them never remarry, but when a man loses his wife 80% remarry.
4. Studies show that most American men say they do not have one close friend — in other words they are lonely.
5. Wise is the wife who chooses to be her husband’s friend — even buddy — she will be meeting one of his deepest needs.
6. Men need shoulder to shoulder communication rather than face to face communication, which means wives need to hang out with their husbands.
7. Wives need to do the things a buddy would do with her husband — work on a car, go fishing, watch a ball game and eat good food (or at least hang out, while he does).
8. A survey of 400 divorced men said the number one trait they admired and wanted in their next wife was, “to be my best friend.”

Proverbs 18:24 “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Wives – why not be that friend/buddy?

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

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The Man of My Dreams

When I was growing up, men were not highly regarded in my family. A series of dysfunctional relationships, some of which I will never know the depths of, led women in my family to choose disrespect over honor, “ruling” over submission, and competition over desiring the best for the men in their lives.  I grew up longing for a man I could love and honor, and yet fearing that a man would hurt me or desert me.

I am the Cinderella in each of us — in my broken state, I have longed for my Prince Charming. He’s big and strong and handsome. He’s gentle and will never hurt me. He places me on a pedestal of honor and earns my submission with his kindness and protection for me.

Over time, my hope in the existence of Prince Charming eroded, and I lost faith in ever having my fairy-tale husband. Gently my Papa reminded me that every girl’s first dream man is her daddy, and ultimately, God is the perfect Daddy. Still, I believed He longed to bless me with the prince who would hold my hand and heart here in the Shadowlands.

Flash forward — my dream wedding night, I said “I do” forever-ish to the man I knew would be the fulfillment of all those fantasies. He loved God and promised to love me. Unfortunately ( fortunately for me), he also came to the altar with broken dreams rekindled on our meeting. And he was just as humanly ill-equipped to meet my desires as I was to meet his.

A few more years, and sweet moments, and yelling moments, and teary nights, and tender snuggles, and sweet love, and five babies, and lost jobs, and new hopes, and here we stand.

Lately, my Papa has been showing me in a new way that through these 13 years, this son of Adam has been my friend. He has been my brother, and he has become my true love — the man of my dreams. And my dreams have changed.

Now my fantasy prince is a man who is strong and quiet (except when he’s not).  He is tender and kind to our children (except when he’s human). He is faithful and honors me. He pushes me to become more like God and he cheers me on to pursue my artistic dreams… no matter how many times they shift and morph into new ones. He holds my hand, and he provides for me, and he is not perfect.

More than anything, though, I have been awed to see our Papa working in him in new ways.  Markedly (for me) he has shown me grace repeatedly when I don’t deserve it. Yes, like me, he has lashed out in moments of frustration. In those moments, I forget all the good and still, like the little girl afraid of desertion, I want to run from this man. Sometimes I silently vow I will never trust again.

But gently, my Papa pries open my heart and, through this man, He shows me what grace and forgiveness look like.

Love always hopes, love always perseveres, love never fails.

My trust is not in this man – it is in my Prince of Peace.  But while I walk here in the Shadowlands, I am in awe that He has sent me this prince to walk alongside me.

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Marriage Blog Carnival 2009

On May 11, 2009 MMCW hosted our first blog carnival focused on marriage. If you missed this special you can take advantage of it now. I trust you will be blessed, encouraged, inspired, and challenged as you read these thoughtful contributions.  Several readers have shared a slice of their lives, giving us a window into their marriages….what is challenging them, how the Lord is working in their lives, and ideas for strengthening our marriages. Simply click the links and enjoy!

Beth at Pages of our Life couldn’t be silent about her husband, even on Wordless Wednesday!  She writes, “A woman will not undress her heart until she knows it is safe, and that her husband lovingly adores her heart as much as he craves the package that is holding it. It so easy to be shamed by our noticeable imperfections and want to hide them, but having a partner that embraces them and loves them is the best thing in the world. We were never intended to hide behind leaves when we left the Garden of Eden….”

Angela at Dancing With My Father met her mother-in-law a few weeks before she met her husband-to-be.  She was instantly drawn to the woman who would become her mother-in-law, and it was some of those same qualities which ultimately attracted her to her husband.  Read her post Marriage equals two plus…., in which she reflects on how marriage is not just the union of two individuals, but of two families.

Marissa presents The 21 day challenge! Jesus and Ris take on afternoon anger! posted at Star Girl Marissa shares about her 21 day challenge to break the anger habit.  She reminds us that often our anger toward our husband stems from misconceptions we may hold about their motives.

Amy tells about a wedding she recently attended, with some inspirational advice for the new couple.  In her post  Marriage….,  she reminds us that in every life, a little rain must fall, but this prevents seasons of drought.  You can catch up with Amy at her blog If only everyone thought this way….

Jan wrote an original poem which captures the tender love she has for her husband.  Read her heartwarming poem Valentine’s day at her blog  A Tiny Little Ripple

Tracey has compiled a list of things that make husbands feel blessed.  Christian husbands contributed their thoughts to this post, and it is surprising how often they mentioned support as one of their greatest needs. This post will challenge you to be more intentional about blessing your husband. Blessing Our Husbands is posted at Mary Devoted, Martha Driven

Tracey also shares about how a woman influences the atmosphere at home in her post Setting the Spirit of the Home , also posted at Mary Devoted, Martha Driven

Carla Anne Coroy reflects on the bumping and bruising that occurs as two people rub off each other’s rough edges in her article about Carrots and Washing Machines. She reminds us that although it isn’t comfortable, the Lord uses this process to sanctify us. Carrots and Washing Machines is posted at Married Single Moms: A Christian community for married women parenting alone.

Lori’s touching article Marriage and Ballroom Dancing posted at Deeper with Jesus in Rhode Island reminds us that we never see the sweat and hard work that goes into creating a graceful dance. A beautiful marriage takes lots of hard work behind the scenes, as well.

MMCW editor Kellie reflects on the role of mentors in a woman’s life in her post How Not to Clean a Toilet posted at Oasis.  Kellie also offers a bit of comic relief in her post Johnny & Chachi sing The Don’t Song posted at Oasis.  She encourages every married couple to watch this video clip, especially newlyweds! You’ll laugh as you hear Johnny and Chachi tell men what NOT to do if they want to be happily married.

Josephine gives us a challenge to put the Lord at the center of our lives, rather than our husband, in her reflection on  Who’s in Your Centre? posted at Somewhere in Time.

Brenda shares about The Red Book on her blog The Tie That Binds Us, saying, “A tradition that my husband started years ago has been a treasured keepsake and an open door to communication.”

Molly Evert explains how a man and wife are to reflect Christ’s relationship with the church to one another in her post  Encourage One Another, posted on her blog Counter-Cultural mom

Four Kinds of Happiness at Our Red House reminds us that happiness is a choice, and that those couples who remain happily married for a lifetime choose to overlook one another’s faults.

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