Educating Our Children

March 10, 2010 : Filed under Educating Our Children, Seasons of Life

Living History Museums

March 10, 2010 : Filed under Educating Our Children, Links, Seasons of Life

Clearing the Air

March 2, 2010 : Filed under Marriage, Seasons of Life

“If you really loved me, you’d know what I was feeling.”

“If I have to tell you what I’m thinking, I won’t do it.”

Have you ever said things like that to each other? It’s not uncommon for hurting spouses to expect their mates to know exactly what they’re feeling and why. It’s also very unrealistic. The truth is we can’t read each other’s minds.

The apostle Paul offers a wonderful alternative to the impossible task of reading minds: speaking the truth in love. He tells us to “put away all falsehood and tell your neighbor the truth.’”

When we’re upset with our husbands, we should quit expecting our spouses to read our minds. Instead, we should say something like, “Dear, when you walked ahead of me through the mall, I felt unimportant to you.” Or “When you criticized how I painted the eves, I felt unappreciated.” That will end the guessing game and let the reconciliation begin in your marriage. Speak the truth in love.

So what’s on your mind today?

“But this is what you must do: Tell the truth to each other.” Zechariah 8:16

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

Tags: Marriage

Teaching Teens to Handle Money

February 25, 2010 : Filed under Family, Seasons of Life

1 Comment

Do you find yourself saying these words:

Do you think money grows on trees?

What do you think I’m made of, money?

When my kids hit middle-school age I felt like I was constantly shelling out money for the movies, Chick-fil-A, youth group activities, and new clothes. I wanted my kids to have all of this but what yanked my chain was they did not seem to appreciate the value of money.

Chuck and I came up with a plan that taught a great life lesson to our children. We figured out how much money we spent on them over a twelve-month period. This included clothes, fun money, and summer camp. We then divided the amount by twelve and came up with their weekly allowance.

We sat down with the kids and explained the value of budgeting, tithing, generous giving, and saving. We even took it a step further and presented it in typed form and had them sign it.

My boys still enjoy wearing only designer clothes, but they bid for them on e-bay or watch for sales. They don’t mind drinking water and using coupons when they go out to eat with their buddies or on a date.

I knew Wesley understood the value of a dollar when one evening after the movies he and his friends stopped to buy ice cream at Marble Slab. Wes was shocked at the price and convinced his friends that he had a much cheaper plan. They bought a gallon of ice cream from Wal-Mart and a package of plastic spoons for the price of two double dipped cones. Wesley’s innovative idea is now a tradition after the movies.

Tags: Abundant Living, Family, finances, teens

Toe Touching

February 22, 2010 : Filed under Seasons of Life, Single Again

2 Comments

I moved my foot over to his side of the bed like I had done many times during the last twelve years, to gently touch his toe. That movement had brought with it a great sense of comfort all those nights when I needed to feel close to him but didn’t want to awaken my Don from the sleep his weak body so desperately needed. Toe touching was our way of comforting one another, but it was also intimate love making for us as we were deeply committed to sharing ourselves with one another amid the restrictions set for us by an illness that we had no control over.

After years of battling cancer, Don’s earthly fight was over. The reality of being a widowed mother of three young children was beginning to sink in and that single again “widowed” status brought with it harsh realities that would shake the ground under me and change my life forever.

Glancing at the clock, I knew I had to get up. The demands of the day were ready for my attention. Whatever happened to my youthful dream of an idyllic life? Life is not always idyllic, and most often does not come anywhere close for the single again adult.

My Don was sick when we married, and we were unable to secure mortgage insurance. His death impacted every cell in my body, but also I was left with a stack of medical bills with no help from anyone. I recall looking at those bills and crying so hard that my face hurt. “God, what am I going to do?” Added to the mountain of debts, my kids needed me, and there was other “stuff” that required my attention. In those twelve years of being married to a man critically ill much of the time, I had become terribly weary. I was on the brink of physical and mental exhaustion; however people kept telling me how strong I was so I continued pushing hard to keep things looking normal on the surface. All the while, the depth of my weary soul began to cave in and I was ill equipped to handle the onslaught of suffering inside myself. I did not want to be strong: I wanted to waddle in my pain for a while, to take a break from life and rest for a while. I wanted some time to myself, time when I wasn’t up half the night doing laundry, cleaning house, or preparing meals at 3 AM. I found myself sleeping less, unable to see how anyone, even God could get me out of the mess my life had become.

Life was hard, but God had not left me to face the days alone. Joan, a dear friend called at a time when no one else could have done for me what she did. She said, “I don’t understand what you are going through, but I’m here to listen to you cry, and to cry with you, if that will help.” And we did just that! Together, we cried for an hour and she listened as I talked about my Don, my children, and the ways they were suffering over the death of their father. I don’t recall another person ever asking me how the children were dealing emotionally with losing their dad. The tears stopped and we laughed and enjoyed good fellowship. That was twenty-five years ago but I have recalled it many times as I share with others the need to just be a friend. A friend who might not understand, but who is there to listen, to share tears, and to laugh! That time with Joan has remained a source of strength for me over the years.

The time did come when I realized that God had not abandoned me, but not until after I had given up. The late Larry Burkett, Christian economist, radio host, and a friend, had a heart for single again adults and sensed the great need I had, so he sent an associate to me. She become a buffer allowing me the freedom to be real. She offered counsel without judgment or condemnation and comforted me while pointing me to Jesus. I had been a Christian for years, but the pain that accompanied the loss of my Don and the details of my life after his death were insurmountable.

When our bodies are weak and tired, trauma is magnified. The weight of being single again was enough to face, but added to that was what made me a single again adult. All the “stuff” that required attention could bring even a strong person down, but one who is broken and fragile is no match for the intense pressure.

Life can’t be played out like a childhood dream. When Christ is our strength, then what we do in the minutes and hours in a single day become increasingly more productive. Finally able to abide in the Lord, a marked change in life, attitude, physical and mental abilities was evident. He was there all the time. He understood my hurt. He was what I needed in that gut-wrenching loneliness. He is the only one who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that I ask or even imagine (Ephesians 3:20). I came to realize in those dark and lonely nights that God wanted me to cry out to Him and to recognize that He is my all, and that He has toes, too.

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Tags: Marriage, Single Again, widows

Covenant Eyes

February 17, 2010 : Filed under Family, Seasons of Life

Mrs. Klingon and Mr. Vulcan

February 12, 2010 : Filed under Marriage, Seasons of Life

2 Comments

My husband and I are as different as day and night. Everything from our personalities, thinking skills, likes and dislikes are completely different. Even so, we complement each other magnificently.

When Brian and I were dating, he was shy and quiet–I remember how this would frustrate me. I could have long conversations with him where the only words he would utter would be yes, no, and uhum. I admit it was hard for him to get a word in as I do love to hear myself talk. This man intrigued me with his quiet wisdom and amazing kindness. I knew there was much more to him–I opened myself to hear his heart and allowed him to hear mine.

We were the best of friends for almost two years before we even began dating and somehow, all that time I knew I would eventually marry him. He was quiet, serious, and intelligent while I was the loud free spirit who lived as though I had it all together while deep inside my world was in total chaos.

God knew we needed each other.

I like to think of my husband as a type of Mr. Spock from the Star Trek series and of myself as Mrs. Klingon. If you are familiar with the Star Trek series, you know that Spock was a Vulcan known for total control of his emotions. Vulcans are cool because they are strong, wise, and have pointy ears. The Klingons on the other hand are loose cannons. They are impulsive, loud, devoted to their creed and have big, wrinkly foreheads. That is pretty much my husband and I in a nutshell–minus the pointy ears and big wrinkly forehead.

The first few years of our marriage were interesting as we tried to adjust to our differences. Besides the already mentioned personality differences, let me add that we both come from different cultures (he is Anglo and I am Hispanic) and that alone added spiciness to what already seemed a challenging recipe.

We do not like to say we fight or argue, but rather that we have intense fellowship in our marriage. Many, many moments of intense fellowship! We have learned from each other and have grown as individuals and partners. Sometimes I catch myself behaving more like a Vulcan–more in control of my emotions. There are times I could swear I see the wrinkly thing on his forehead. What has happened is the universal thing that happens to dog owners all over the world. After so long, the dogs begin to look like the owners.

We are such a unit. We look, think, talk, walk, and even look alike. When I look into his eyes, I see some of the brown of my eyes mixed with the blue of his—I’m just being poetic. It’s the craziest thing!

How did this happen? We learned to compromise.

It is not always easy being the one with the pointy ears because in order to affirm each other, we need to be like an open book. We need to show our emotions and talk about them and yes, if necessary have intense fellowship. The same goes for the one with the wrinkly, big forehead. We have to make an effort to think carefully about what we say and do. We must remember we are not separate units any longer–we are one. As one, we must be willing to live a sacrificial life that elevates our partner and allows him to succeed, regardless of our differences.

I am nothing like Christ, though I strive to be more like Him daily. I am not naive enough to think I am perfect, but I have a great example in Him. His example is one I can follow and project to others. When I see what Christ has sacrificed for loving me, it makes me willing to do anything and everything I can to be faithful to Him. That is the kind of love Christ has modeled for me to follow with my partner. He intends that we have the same intensity of love, faithfulness and passion for our partners that He has for His church.

So what if we are different! Once you get past the pointy ears and wrinkly forehead, I believe you will find your galaxy is not so big that you could lose each other.

There is a quote I have always liked from one of my favorite movies:

The Painted Veil (2006):

“Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.”

This is so true but it does not have to be this way. We can bridge the gap and meet in the middle of the road. We can find each other again and instead of drawing farther apart, we can learn to coexist and love sacrificially.

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Tags: Marriage

The Loneliest Man

February 9, 2010 : Filed under Marriage, Seasons of Life

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While a wife might believe the loneliest man she knows is a widower or a single male, it very well could be her husband.

1. In Genesis God looks at Adam and says, “It’s not good that man be alone.”
2. This was before sin had entered the world — so his loneliness and desire for a companion were part of God’s design.
3. When women lose their husbands, 75% of them never remarry, but when a man loses his wife 80% remarry.
4. Studies show that most American men say they do not have one close friend — in other words they are lonely.
5. Wise is the wife who chooses to be her husband’s friend — even buddy — she will be meeting one of his deepest needs.
6. Men need shoulder to shoulder communication rather than face to face communication, which means wives need to hang out with their husbands.
7. Wives need to do the things a buddy would do with her husband — work on a car, go fishing, watch a ball game and eat good food (or at least hang out, while he does).
8. A survey of 400 divorced men said the number one trait they admired and wanted in their next wife was, “to be my best friend.”

Proverbs 18:24 “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Wives – why not be that friend/buddy?

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

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Tags: Marriage

Teaching Kids About Money

February 8, 2010 : Filed under Educating Our Children

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Today, I wanted to share some things we are doing to train our kids to be wise with money.

First, people are more inclined to save money when they have dreams and goals for how that money will be used. We are already helping our 11, 8 and 6-year-old sons think about their long-term goals (like cars and college) and their longer-term goals (like buying a house or having a wife who stays home with their children).

Just this week our 8-year-old resisted the temptation to spend all of his birthday money as he thought about his goal to save some money for his summer vacation and the rest to add to his car fund. He will have to double his lifespan before he is ready to even think about buying a car, but the money won’t be there if he waits until he is 15 to start saving it. We are already planting seeds in their minds that it is important to pursue a career that allows them to be involved and available to their families, and at the same time meet the responsibility of being the sole bread winner.

We also talk to our kids about money A LOT in our every day situations. We left a drive-thru line a couple of days ago when we saw the prices. I told the kids, “This place will cost $4 per person and we usually spend $2. I can’t justify spending twice as much as usual. Think how hard Dad works for this money! We can’t waste it!”

They hear statements like these all the time:

“Everyone needs to order water at the restaurant. It would add $10 to the bill if we all got soda!”

and

“God provided this for us. We need to be responsible with it.”

We explain to our children how credit cards work, with examples that help them understand the benefits of cash-back and the high costs of carrying a balance. We tell them why we buy our gas at this station rather than that one. When we decide to wait to purchase an item until it goes on sale, we verbalize that so that our children know we are exercising patience to save money. They understand that if we spend money on one thing, something else cannot be purchased. They are not under the illusion that money grows on trees.

They know that we usually eat at home, because it is cheaper. They know that when we do go out, we choose places where kids eat free at certain times or on certain nights of the week. They hear us say, “I’m going to order such and such because it sounds good AND fits within my budget.” Even mom and dad keep an eye on economy when we go out to eat.

We also talk to them about bigger purchases, like our house or our car. We help them to understand what those things cost and why we chose one over another from a financial point of view. When we have financial needs, we pray about them as a family. We talk to them about our tithe.

The children and I talk regularly about how grateful we are to their dad, for providing for us and enabling me to stay home with them. I ask them to think how hard life would be for their dad if I didn’t guard the money he brings home, and that it will be impossible to achieve their own goals for family life if they marry a frivolous woman.

Our kids are not always wise in the choices they make with their own money. But they are learning. And when they fail, and blow all their money on something they don’t need, that’s OK. We use that as a lesson, too. I would rather see them learn that lesson at age 5 than at age 50.

As we take the time to verbalize our thinking and explain our actions, our children gain a better sense of how to handle money. They also begin to formulate the values that will shape their own families one day.

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Tags: children, finances, Mentoring, Motherhood

The Man of My Dreams

February 4, 2010 : Filed under Marriage, Seasons of Life

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When I was growing up, men were not highly regarded in my family. A series of dysfunctional relationships, some of which I will never know the depths of, led women in my family to choose disrespect over honor, “ruling” over submission, and competition over desiring the best for the men in their lives. I grew up longing for a man I could love and honor, and yet fearing that a man would hurt me or desert me.

I am the Cinderella in each of us — in my broken state, I have longed for my Prince Charming. He’s big and strong and handsome. He’s gentle and will never hurt me. He places me on a pedestal of honor and earns my submission with his kindness and protection for me.

Over time, my hope in the existence of Prince Charming eroded, and I lost faith in ever having my fairy-tale husband. Gently my Papa reminded me that every girl’s first dream man is her daddy, and ultimately, God is the perfect Daddy. Still, I believed He longed to bless me with the prince who would hold my hand and heart here in the Shadowlands.

Flash forward — my dream wedding night, I said “I do” forever-ish to the man I knew would be the fulfillment of all those fantasies. He loved God and promised to love me. Unfortunately ( fortunately for me), he also came to the altar with broken dreams rekindled on our meeting. And he was just as humanly ill-equipped to meet my desires as I was to meet his.

A few more years, and sweet moments, and yelling moments, and teary nights, and tender snuggles, and sweet love, and five babies, and lost jobs, and new hopes, and here we stand.

Lately, my Papa has been showing me in a new way that through these 13 years, this son of Adam has been my friend. He has been my brother, and he has become my true love — the man of my dreams. And my dreams have changed.

Now my fantasy prince is a man who is strong and quiet (except when he’s not). He is tender and kind to our children (except when he’s human). He is faithful and honors me. He pushes me to become more like God and he cheers me on to pursue my artistic dreams… no matter how many times they shift and morph into new ones. He holds my hand, and he provides for me, and he is not perfect.

More than anything, though, I have been awed to see our Papa working in him in new ways. Markedly (for me) he has shown me grace repeatedly when I don’t deserve it. Yes, like me, he has lashed out in moments of frustration. In those moments, I forget all the good and still, like the little girl afraid of desertion, I want to run from this man. Sometimes I silently vow I will never trust again.

But gently, my Papa pries open my heart and, through this man, He shows me what grace and forgiveness look like.

Love always hopes, love always perseveres, love never fails.

My trust is not in this man – it is in my Prince of Peace. But while I walk here in the Shadowlands, I am in awe that He has sent me this prince to walk alongside me.

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